Friday 29 January 2016

Living With The Enemy

*CW sexual themes, mentions of threat and abuse*
I wasn't originally going to write about this, but after reading posts by Leyah Shanks, Rachel GeeBee and Danielle AKA RollsAndCurves I felt my badly written, disjointed story is just as important as theirs.

If you're a regular follower of Le Curvy Kitten on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook you'll be familiar with my bio which reads, in no uncertain terms "NO PERVY COMMENTS PLEASE". Does it work? Hell no.

You see, there's a pocket of society who can't help but ignore your wishes, bombarding you with their sordid messages, objectification, sexualisation, pictures, or worse still, threats of violence, rape and even death. And it's not an uncommon occurrence.

The quotes features in this post are lifted from comments on my photos, direct messages, etc.

A Brief History of Le Curvy Kitten
Let's head back five years to 2011 when I first started my blog. If you're new to my world you might not know that I started blogging as a result of entering Curvy Kate's annual modelling competition, Star In A Bra back. I knew then that should I make it through the initial stage of being chosen by the judges I'd be online in my lingerie for all to see so I'd already anticipated a certain amount of attention. I was both delighted and apprehensive that I'd made it through to the first rounds of the public vote. 

Not long after my entry photos were made public for the competition did I start receiving messages from men telling me how 'sexy' they thought I was, picking me apart into body parts to describe which bit they were into. "Your thick thighs are perfect", "you have great boobs", "your hair is so f*cking hot", "turn around, I'd like to see the booty". You know, that kind of thing, sometimes complete with descriptions of what they'd like to do to me. I'll spare you the details but let's just say they don't want to take me for a romantic stroll on a moonlit beach. But you know something? I'm more than that. Women are more than that. We're their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends.

"Yes please. I need two...I am sure I will break the first one."
"Oh myyyy.... That is very tasty! <3"
"Nice 'Big Bird'!"
"I think you are training me to cum on command!!"
"Let me suck yur pussie."

And So It Begins...
On starting my blog I began to receive the odd message alerting me to the fact that my images were being shared here, there and everywhere and even used in ad campaigns for 'Ugly Girls Need Love Too' and more as recently as last year 'Fat F*ckbook'. It hurt and still does that my image is being used as porn. It was never intended to be that way. My blog was intended to bring bra reviews to those of a similar size to myself who struggle to find bras in their size. Instead I've ended up with a firm following of men/ some of which can't resist sending me messages to find out if I'm single or worse. When you call these men out on their behaviour they typically feel the need to insult you in return although the odd few do back down and apologise. Sometimes I'll get the "calm down and learn to take a compliment" line, but it's not a compliment to reduce me to a pair of boobs. I just happen to have them. They're not an achievement I worked hard for. They're just 'there'. If you were to compliment me on my writing or arts and crafts then yes, I'm more than happy to accept that as a valid compliment. Anything based on my looks (unless it's about something I've worked hard on, such as my hair or make up) is just....luck of the draw, genetics, being a human.

And gah, the male sexual entitlement is painful! 

"Holy boobies...I need a tittie f*cking"
"With hips like that, I know she can put her back into it..."
"Wow you're gorgeous, I want you. Cum to the Ozzy."
"Great body. Very beautiful. DM me please."
"Hey shug how are you I think you look stunning and, I was wondering if maybe you'd show a lad what's it's like to sleep with a woman as beautiful as yourself."

I've also found a couple of (thankfully) very badly photoshopped images of my head on the body of a fetish model. Apparently I became fair game. On one occasion I was named a 'butterface bitch', reduced to nothing more than a body with an ugly face. Something to look at, to play with, an object. Complete disregard to the fact that inside said body with an ugly face there's a fellow human being, with feelings, thought processes, intelligence, morals and insecurities. More often in these situations I'm referred to as a 'that'. Oh nice. 

"Oh my...that's just....perfect"

On anonymous Q&A site I've been threatened. It was disgusting. I felt violated and scared knowing that someone had actually taken the time to find me on there and say such sordid and brutal things. Rape and beheading was mentioned, as well as one person naming my place of work and telling me not to be surprised should I find them masturbating at the windows. I'll spare you of this anonymous person tying to justify why rape shouldn't be a crime...

"And after I'm done mouth raping you I'll go and put your head on a pike with the other bitches."

Also from;

"I just wanna pound u and leave u gasping for more. Sorry ur just too hot."
"But I just want that big booty, them big curves, big boobs, soft smooth skin, lips, us so sensual, u ooooze me, us so cuddly."

And disturbingly;
"Do you work at (insert my place of work here)? If so, dnt be alarmed when I'm masturbating through the window at you."

The Dreaded Dick Pic
Amongst the messages I've received over the years some have had the most delightful attachments in the form of unsolicited photographs of the sender's erect phallus. The worst of these by far was a snapchat I received of my own photo covered in, ahem, 'mangoo', called a 'tribute' apparently. Yes, I'm aware this happens, I can't do anything about that, everyone hads needs and preferences, but I don't want or need to know. So don't tell me.

"Just to let you know that I have masturbated to your pictures many times."
"The pic of yourself in the black bra pic got me really horny, do you mind if I get off over that pic?" Followed by "if you don't like that I will respect it."

I've never fully understood why this has become the norm. Is it some kind of misguided compliment, like "hey girl, you gave me a boner"? An invitation? Is it merely a statement; "I AM MAN, I HAVE PENIS"? Either way, why do it? Would they flash me in the street? Nope, because that would be a crime. Indecent exposure. Someones private inbox is no different to you jumping out on someone with your knob out in a park having waited until there's nobody around. Think about that guys.

Now here's where things got frustrating. I felt at the end of my tether so having received a couple of seedy messages and a dick pic over as many days I decided to take action. I publicly shamed these guys. The 'gent' who sent a message asking whether or not I minded if he masturbated over my pic had his private message and username reposted publicly, as did another guy similarly sending me creepy private messages. He fought back with abuse, then begged me to delete the post, then fought back with abuse again and so forth. One guy who sent me a photo of his shrimpy-looking weiner had an emoji carefully placed over the offending article (one that looks like its eyes are bleeding, no less) and again a public repost.

A friend of mine pointed out that I was technically committing the relatively new crime of revenge porn and I should probably delete the post. I took to Facebook to discuss with my favourite girlie group and things got heated as group members argued against me, leading to my post being deleted as it was turning into a witch hunt. I felt my voice as a victim had been taken away. People were forgetting that I'm the one who's having to view these awful messages and pictures. It's very easy for others to say "Just ignore it" when they're not experiencing this themselves. And to say "it's to be expected when you post stuff like that!" doesn't help either. So do lingerie models deserve explicit message and dick pics too, just because they happen to be modelling lingerie too? This is victim blaming, akin to blaming a woman for being raped on a night she was wearing a short skirt. Nope.

Having thought about it, yes, reposting someone's dick pics and private messages does technically make it revenge porn but I can't help feeling I'm being silenced as a victim. Why should those men, forcing their horrible sexual words and photos on women like me get the same protection as, say a man recently out of a relationship with a woman who is now using private photographs to try and blackmail him maliciously? This left me feeling so disheartened. Not only was I being let down by me peers in the Facebook group, but I was also being silenced from naming and shaming these sexual predators. What is this teaching them? That it's perfectly okay to carry on flashing their genitals and being vulgar to those they're sexually attracted to. Well it's not.

I Would
Two words. Two words that hold so much hope for the writer, yet so much despair and repulsion for the recipient. "I would". Sometimes I'll see those this 'compliment' typed without thought in my social media comments. I would. No, you wouldn't. "Why?" you ask, often with a 'lol' thrown in for good measure. Because I wouldn't allow you to. EVER. Again, you're dismissing the fact that I'm a free thinking individual and not just something to stick your meat maggot in given any opportunity. It's the presumption that I'd allow these creeps to do these things to me that annoys me the most I think. Check out the presumption in these internet nuggets I've received. 

"The things I'd do to you."
"Damn baby I would do things to you I wouldn't do to a farm animal."
"Who is this and how do I get into her pants"
"I so would. A girl with confidence in her curves = the sexiest thing! <3"
"I would let her do me bad."
"I will f*ck u baby ur boobs so yamy."
"Plzz baby I wil kiss us pussy. Come on my bedroom without cloths. My dick long 8 inch ur ass fucking so fan ahh ahhhhh. Plzz one day full night f*ck.

The repeat offender
Over the past few years, yes YEARS, there's been one particular follower on Twitter who, despite me constantly blocking their multiple accounts, still feels the need to create new accounts in order to tweet me their favourite fetish/dominatrix photos and make unwanted comments about me. When I block them, they typically get nasty, for example tweeting my other half pictures of other women saying that their boobs are bigger than mine (and??), and tweeting lingerie brands to tell them not to work with me as I'm a bad representation! I always know its them as they follow and harass the same list of women every time, and their dialogue is ALWAYS the same. "OMG I burst my zipper!" is the usual mating call of this particular creep.

When the f*ckboys fight back
The creepers don't take it well if you happen to call them out on their behaviour. They'll hurl random unfounded insults at you such as slut, slag, dick tease, bitch. They will victim blame to try and excuse their behaviour. Here's what happened when I called one individual out on his creepy "mmmmm" comment. I think it all speaks for itself...

"You remind me of a girl wearing a low cut top then giving you a dirty look for looking...hope u find what your looking for."

"Why have your tits out in the first place. You only want people you find attractive looking. If a man you find attractive looking at your tits you wouldn't find it pervy. So if I walk about within erection and tight trousers does that mean anyone who looks is a perv?? or am I may be being a bit inappropriate...... And seeing you know men are the ones that have a higher sex drive and a drawing to things of a sexual nature. Either you don't know this or you're playing a game women have been playing for years."

"And I'm sorry I have to say.. You want to mention creepy? Try posting hundreds of sexual pictures of yourself for thousands of complete strangers. Like I said I hope you find what you're looking for."

What I find most disturbing is when women stand up for these creeps as though it's okay for them to behave in this way. The following is a quote from a woman replying to me complaining about receiving an email in which a man asked if he could masturbate over my photo.

"You're being unfair now. What do you expect if you put up pictures like this!? At least he has the decency to ask you. You have the right to say no if you please. But I think there is no need to shame other people for expressing their sexuality honestly. If you do that you're just a big fat tease. There is nothing wrong with people finding others attractive (even if they have a partner) it's NATURAL. So don't go around strutting your stuff and then shaming people for being honest. Unfollowing you for this..."

Yes, this example of victim blaming is from a woman. 

Biting Back

Why do I feel the need to bite back? Why can't I just sit back and take a compliment? Because objectification is not actually a compliment. Because it shouldn't be happening in the first place, and the only way to tackle that is to call these people out on their objectification. 

And yes, I know this works both ways too. Only yesterday I was alarmed to see in one of my girlie Facebook groups a number of posts featuring conventionally good looking men accompanied by words such as "Where can I get one of those?" and "Is there a catalogue for these?" as though these men were non-thinking inanimate objects to take out and play with then out away when you're bored. I found myself recoiling in disgust at this to be honest. "If you can't bet em, join em"? Really? Ladies, let's not lower ourselves to creeper standards!

We don't need to remain silent anymore. We don't have to smile if someone in the street tells us to. Remaining silent and/or complying only reinforces this behaviour. If, for example, a creepy guy comments on your instagram and you shoot them down, then the next creepy guy (provided he's read the previous comments) sees that you're not going to stand for that kind of crap, he probably won't comment. Yes, you may get abused in the process but we mustn't allow this kind of behaviour to continue.

In Conclusion
If you're not happy with your mum/wife/close loved one seeing the comment/message and if it's unsolicited, then don't post it. Be respectful to your fellow human beings. 

How do you deal with/how would you suggest dealing with these slimeballs?

Thanks for reading as always,
Kelly x

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